Dichtbijjanuari

Have you ever
Looked at an old photograph
And thought
What happend to that cute top
Why don’t I own it anymore

I used to collect rubber duckies
When I was a teenager
They brought me so much joy
Yet at some point
I decided to get rid of them

Maybe I didn’t think
It was cool anymore
Or it took up too much space
So it had to go

Maybe it made
Someone else happier
So I decided to give it away
And found something new

Maybe I just changed
And maybe that’s okay
Not having to hold on
To the person I once was

Bouncing back
From a traumatic experience
Asks more courage
Than praise is given for

I am sorry
For all those times
Your growth
Was not seen

You deserve to be praised
For all the battles
You have won

Please keep going

From a very young age
We are taught
How to take care
Of our physical body

By eating well
And moving our body
You will nurture
All those muscles and organs
Who keep you running

Cause running we must
In a world
That demands our time
And attention

We are taught
To be succesful
By working hard
Beyond our boundaries

To find our worth
In what we do
Not who we are

But how do you expect
That we know our boundaries
When no one
Has taught us how to find them

There is no one
I’d rather have
Within my company

Your loving arms
As a shelter
The taste of love
On your lips

Your honesty
Keeping me grounded
The peace
Your words provide

What would I do
Without you

Take yourself
On a little walk
Allow yourself
To not be productive
Clear your mind
And listen closely
Is there something new
To explore

Don’t forget
To bring some water
Cause we all know
You haven’t had enough today
And maybe bring a little snack
Some pre-sliced mango
In a box
Let that sweetness
Fill you tongue with joy

Just sit down
And look around
Cause there is so much more
Than what goes on
Inside your head

Do you allow yourself
To need someone
Not having to
Do it all alone

To let someone in
And put you back together
To make you feel okay
And give you the love
You can’t always
Bring up yourself

We weren’t made
To live our life’s
In solitude

I started obsessing
Over my health
When my anxiety
Told me
I couldn’t function
If my body wasn’t well

Staying in my bed
Untill I’d felt better
Became the norm

So I became scared of
Feeling unwell
Which made me
Feel unwell

Picking apart
What is actually happening
Inside my body
And what anxiety is
Making me feel
Is an art
I am still mastering

And then the global pandemic hit
Making me feel
Like I’m starting at
Square one again

But I’m not letting anxiety win
This time

What is love
Worth to you

May it cost you
Your spare time
Your peace
Your money

What do you allow
It to touch
May it see your insides
Deepest fears
Biggest dreams

It’s not always
A situation of
A what you put in
Is what you get out

But when you’ve found someone
You love so much
That you’d do anything
To make it work

It will all be worth
The effort

Do you recognize
The person you were
Only a few years ago

I used to write
Witlof
At the end of a note
Mostly as a joke

Or look for love
In every stranger on the train
Writing love notes
They’d never receive

But all these years
Changed me so much
That I can feel
Embarrassed
Of the person I once was

Only till I remember
That all those versions
Of myself
Are still within me

What is peace in your life
Something you strive for
Or maybe take for granted
Does it lie within yourself
Or do you find it somewhere else

Have you given up on it
Or see it within everything

Whatever it is
Please just know
That you deserve
To find it

What is one thing
That you can
Accept
About yourself today
Which you haven’t yesterday

Is it your cravings
Or the fact that your body changed
Your hair that just won’t do

When was the last time
You laughed
Because of something stupid
You’ve done

Life isn’t about
How much you weigh
How good you look
How succesful you are
Making it some day

It’s a compilation
Of all moments just like these
So why only love yourself
On some occasions
When you can give yourself
So much more

Like all of you
I’ve come to know
The place I’m living in
Exceptionally well

Some day
The walls are coming at me
While other times
I’m so thankful for this safe haven

But I guess
That’s what happens
When the world feels
Upside down

Nothing is like it was
While a lot stayed the same

Maybe welcome this strange
Like a new hair cut
A fresh coat of paint

This could be our time
To start
Anew

It’s an act
Of bravery
To love yourself
In a world that points out
Every flaw
And offers a solution
That won’t work
So that they can keep on
Making money
On your insecurities

And if you are not there yet
Just try to be a little brave
Every day

How I miss
The magic of
Theatre

Those warm fuzzy feelings
Fluttering in your chest
When you start to feel
For the characters
On stage

The dark lit room
Pinpoint focus
Being in the moment
Completely captivated

I am so proud
To be part
Of this generation of change

That does not look away
From injustice
And stands up
For those in need

A generation that keeps on
Surprising me
And teaching me
How to be a better human

However
I shouldn’t forget
That I also am
A piece in this play

Doing my part
In this puzzle
Towards a better future

Even when
I don’t know
What my part is
Yet

I was so afraid
To get my own apartment

In the last few years
My worst moments
Were when I was alone

My anxiety would get so loud
I couldn’t hear anything else

Fearing this becoming
Day to day life
I found so many excuses
To not live on my own

But being a student
In times of Covid-19
Pushed me
Towards giving it a try

Although it was scary
At first
I’ve gotten to know myself
More deeply

Most of the time
I now know
What I need to do
To not feel so alone

How do I
Find the right words
For this explosive feeling
Inside my chest

Gratitude within my heart
The way the muscles in my cheeks
Will completely start to hurt

How do I
Tell you
My life is so much brighter
When you are around

Life doesn’t have to be
Perfect
To allow yourself to celebrate

It doesn’t have to be
Someone’s birthday
For you to give them a gift
Or an anniversary
To plan a special night

You don’t have to have
A crazy work-out
To allow yourself
One piece of chocolate

Little achievement
Are still achievements
Worth to celebrate

And maybe, just maybe
By celebrating
All these little things
Life
Will look more beautiful

I am so thankful
For the change of seasons
So stable
Through the year

Because it teaches
Change is bound to come
And to not be afraid of that

When Autumn leaves
Winter comes
All I can say is
Hello

Growth does not come
Without tears and pain
It is not purely success
But goes around like a shapeshifter

It is found
In one less bad day
In finally letting the feelings in
In not feeling sad for a whole day by yourself

In not letting one setback define you
In trying again tomorrow
In accepting that it takes time

Please just take a step back
Look back on how far you’ve come
And realize you still are
Growing

Storm your brain
With all the questions
To figure out what lives inside

Behind the wall of fear and shame
What is it that you desire

If anything was possible
How would you spend your days

And tell me now
What can you do
To change your normal ways

I hope that one day
We will live in a world
Where working full time
Is not the bar
For having a succesful life

Where pursuing your passion
Is praised
Even when you don’t
Make money out of it

Where we have a healthier balance
Between living, passion, working, caring
Where we can do what we love
Without an income insecurity

Where the bar of life’s pace
Isn’t put into the sky
Where the weeks won’t fly away
But every day has purpose

Maybe it isn’t
The world that need changing
But merely I

When someone tells you
That a small change can’t
Make a difference

Perhaps
They’ve never made a snowman
Rolling every inch of snow
Untill something beautiful

Yet impossible
Without all those small
Snowflakes

What do you do
When your whole world
Comes crashing down

Do you stay
Run as far as you can
Deal with the consequences
Start over again

Perhaps
You will never
Let someone become your world
Only to prevent
The crash

You fill my ears
And make me feel
Like I’m not alone
Part of something bigger

Whisper those inside jokes
And it’ll plant a seed
In my heart
Growing each time I take a listen

Thank you for making me laugh
Letting me forget
That the world is on fire

You chose to love me
And I’m thankful that you did
But what if you won’t tomorrow

I know I need to have faith
But what if you woke up
With feelings for some other
Or found out that you
Actually don’t like my smile

What if I become boring
Or gain three sizes
What if I become a bad mother
Or my anxiety will steal away my joy

Maybe that’s why I’ve always longed to be married
But will I trust your promise then?

Love is patient
But what if I’m not
What if I want it all right now
And I won’t take no for an answer

What if it breaks my heart
Every day
By waiting for it to be filled

And when it finally arrives
Will it be enough
Or simply crushed
By the weight of expectations

Do you dare
To have faith
In a world that screams
We are falling apart

Can you believe
That we will be okay again
Please dare with me
To see the world in another light

Because this all-consuming anxiety
Has no appetite for what is real

I remember the first time
I lost a pet
It was of old age
Yet I was devastated

I felt
Like I had failed her

But each of my pets taught me
To be responsible
To let go
To love unconditionally
To be okay with failure

Most of all
It was their love
That was the biggest reward

Do I need to take a side?
Do I need to raise my voice?
Do I need to take my right?
Just to show I have a choice

How to use my privilege right
While I don’t feel I am
Having worked for this day and night
Still I can’t begin to understand

That it can be even harder
And the world can be so cruel
Oh we so do need each other
You don’t have to do it alone, my fool

Once upon a time
There was a girl
With magic in her eyes

She dreamed of a life
As special as
Christmas morning
As exciting as
New Years Eve
As lovely as
Valentines day

“One day” she told herself
“I’ll be swept of my feet
We will never fight
One day
I’ll be happy”

But then the magic disappeared
In came the days of despair
The evil witch climbed on her throne
And put up many boxes to check
To live a happy life

Yet still she believed in the future

Untill she didn’t